I’ve got lists everywhere. Lists of tasks for work. A list of things to remember for the cricket team every week – Must. Not. Forget. The Box again! Lists of tasks for veterans issues. A list of things to do at the house that seems to have a life of it’s own. Entries come and go, are crossed off and forgotten about on completion. Sometimes, I just forget what is on what list.

But there is one list I keep that is different to all the others. It is kept in heart and mind, in photos and albums. Some entries are written physically in a calendar, a diary entry, a story. Others pop into mind quickly from nowhere and then fade away for a time, emerging from the mist of memory unexpectedly. It is a list that can never grow shorter. I can never cross an entry off. There is no completion or final act. This list is different to every other one I have, and all soldiers have one of their own.

It is the list of names of my brothers and sisters-in-arms who have died in service through accidents and illness, been killed in action, or died because of their service, through medical conditions or suicide. The list represents sacrifice and service, opportunities lost, lives saved when theirs were given, it is heartbreak and stoicism, grief and courage, sacrifice and lives saved. I keep this list not as a trophy, or some macabre vain-glorious memorial, but to remember. To be thankful for the lives lived of those on the list. To understand where some of my own sadness may have come from, and to celebrate the gift of years I have that others do not.

There are currently 21 soldiers, sailors and aviators on my list – and there could probably be more if I put my mind to it. There will be more. 21 is not many some may think, but it represents one person who I knew and served with who died for each year of my 21 years in uniform. If you think of the impact that one person dying per year at your workplace may have, then perhaps that may resonate.

Each of my 21 lost brothers and sisters had a different story and impact on my life. Some I studied and trained with as we lived through the experience of the Defence Force Academy and Army training institutions. We grew into adults together even though we were still really just kids with outsized unforms.

Some I trained myself and watched on that same journey as they developed from “civvie” to soldier. Some of us spent weeks and months in the jungle, desert and bush training grounds of Australia. Some of us served and fought in our country’s wars overseas. For some I learned of their death as it happened; some others not for weeks later. For some I saw their broken bodies removed from the battlefield and then sent a silent farewell to the helicopters and planes that carried them home to their families. For some we exchanged messages in their finals days as they battled illness to a draw. For some I had the honour of reading a eulogy, handing over a flag or medals, carrying their coffins, of bearing witness of the good things they did to their friends and family.

Some of these soldiers, sailors and aviators I was incredibly close to, others would have struggled to remember me if our places were reversed. But they all have impacted me in some way no matter how long I knew them or how large a part we were in each other’s lives.

I won’t be near the War Memorial on Remembrance Day this year to visit the names of those honoured there or remembered elsewhere. It doesn’t matter though, because I carry my list with me – in heart and mind – wherever I am. So at the right time on Remembrance Day I’ll bring those on my list to mind. I’ll remember. And I hope it is a long time until I have to add to the list. But I know it won’t be long enough.

Lest we forget.

• Midshipmen Megan Pelly. Royal Australian Navy. Died in Service – accident. 1999. 22 years old.
• Lieutenant Teresa-Joy “TJ” Jackson. Royal Australian Navy. Died – suicide. 2001.
• Private Luke Worsley. Australian Regular Army. Killed In Action. 2007. 26 years old.
• Lieutenant Lindsey Sojan. Royal Australian Navy. Died in Service – illness. 2008. 30 years old.
• Lance Corporal David “DJ” Smith. Australian Regular Army. Died in Service – accident. 2009
• Squadron Leader Nicholas Cree. Royal New Zealand Air Force. Died in Service – accident. 2010. 33 years old.
• Private Scott Palmer. Australian Regular Army. Killed In Action. 2010. 27 years old.
• Sergeant Qarib Abdul. Afghanistan National Army. Killed In Action. 2010. Approximately 28 years old.
• Corporal Richard Atkinson. Australian Regular Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 22 years old.
• Lance Corporal Andrew Jones. Australian Regular Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 25 years old.
• Staff Sergeant Alvin Boatwright. United States Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 33 years old.
• Sergeant Edwin Dixon. United States Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 37 years old.
• Sergeant Alan Snyder. United States Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 28 years old.
• Specialist Tyler Kreinz. United States Army. Killed In Action. 2011. 21 years old.
• Private Sam Osborne. Australian Regular Army. Died in Service. 2012.
• Private Jeremy “Moose” Strachan. Australian Regular Army. Died – suicide. circa 2015.
• Major Matthew Carr. Australian Regular Army. Died in Service – illness. 2015. 39 years old.
• Major Adam Dunbar. Australian Regular Army. Died – suicide. 2017. 42 years old.
• Private David Bleines. Australian Regular Army. Died – suicide. 2018.
• Lance Corporal Mitchell Judd. Australian Regular Army. Died of injuries and conditions related to Service. 2023. 33 years old.
• Warrant Officer Class Two Anthony ‘Tony’ Pratt. Australian Regular Army. Died in Service – illness. 2023.